Vayne Ain't Got No Alibi!
by SquiggleSmurf
Summary: [Sequel to Assumptions and I'm Simply a Moogle] Nono, Larsa, and Gabranth talk about how ugly Vayne is to the people of Rabanastre: in song!


If you haven't read my other two fics, "Assumptions" and "I'm Simply a Moogle," click the back button and read them first. Otherwise, this fic won't make much sense.

Alfador: Actually, it doesn't make much sense to begin with.

Yeah, well… I had to write it. I just had to. After I finished "I'm Simply a Moogle," I knew I had to write this. Anyways, this is a parody of the song "U. G. L. Y." by Daphne and Celeste with some added dialogue to make it more of a story or something. Ummm… I guess I'll just do the disclaimer now.

Disclaimer: As I stated before, I don't own FFXII. I also do not own the song "U. G. L. Y."

* * *

"Oh boy, kupo! I'm so excited," Nono squealed, jumping up and down. "I can't wait! Kupo! Next to beating Vayne, this is the best moment of my life!"

"I don't know," Larsa said, fidgeting a bit. "To tell the truth, I'm a bit nervous."

"Kupo! Don't worry!" Nono reassured the boy. "You'll do just fine! The people of Rabanastre will love you, kupo! We'll be great, right Gabranth!"

The judge nodded and grinned.

"You're right," Larsa agreed. "Let's do this!"

"Yay! Let's go, kupo!"

Nono happily skipped down the stairs of the palace of Rabanastre, Larsa and Gabranth walking down after him. The brown moogle jumped onto the podium at the end of stairs and looked at the crowd of people. He smiled, cleared his throat, and said, "People of Rabanastre, like I stated before, Vayne is no more. Peace is ours at last, kupo!"

The people cheered. Nono raised a hand to silence them and continued.

"And like I said before, kupo, it was I who defeated Vayne. That's right, kupo. Me! A moogle, kupo! And NOT the six who were SUPPOSE to stop him!" Nono pointed a figure at the accused six.

Ashe narrowed her eyes.

"They thought I was a whore!" she hissed, pointing at Balthier, Basch, and Vaan.

"And you assumed that we were homosexual!" Balthier countered.

Penelo rolled her eyes. "At least our assumptions were reasonable!"

"In what way!?" Basch asked, incredulously.

"Quiet! All of you, kupo!" Nono shouted at them. "I don't care what excuses you have! Kupo, you didn't stop Vayne and that's that! This is suppose to be a happy occasion, and I don't want you to ruin it, kupo! Got it!?"

Silence sounded throughout the city.

"Good," Nono smiled and turned back to the crowd. "Now, you're probably wondering why I called you all here, kupo, since you already knew about Vayne. Well, I think you already heard me say that Vayne was one ugly creature, kupo! Seriously, kupo, he was hideous! Right Larsa!"

Larsa nodded furiously. "He almost made my eyes bleed!"

"It's true," Gabranth confirmed.

"But Vayne's not ugly!" Penelo argued. "He's one of the best looking guys in Ivalice."

Everyone stared at Penelo. And stared. And gaped. But mostly stared.

Penelo groaned. "What? A girl can't admire the attractiveness of a bad guy?"

"Well Penelo, that was BEFORE he was affected by the manufactured nethicite, kupo," Nono explained. "But when that mist got to him, oh kupo-nuts! It was horrifying, kupo! I'm glad you people didn't see him! However, kupo, there was one good thing that came out of his gruesomeness. Larsa, Gabranth, and I made up this little song about Vayne and his ugliness. And that's why we called you all here today, kupo. We would like to perform it for you. Kupo, think of it as another gift from us! Moogle brothers and sister! Come on down, kupo!"

Montblanc, Gurdy, Hurdy, and Sorbet came out from the palace and walked down the stairs, each carrying a musical instrument. When they reached the middle of the staircase, they set up their instruments. Montblanc looked at Nono, who nodded, and began to play…

**_Larsa:_**

_Okay! I'm an emperor now!  
_

**_Nono:_**

_U. G. L. Y._

_Vayne ain't got no alibi! _

_He ugly! Ku! Po!_

_He ugly[X4_

As Nono repeated the chorus another three times, the people looked at the three with shock and confusion. They were unsure what to think of this. However, the tune wasn't terribly, so they stayed and listened to Larsa.

**_Larsa:_**

_I saw him drop on the sky fortress Bahumut_

_I thought he was dead but then he gave a hoot_

_I should have got a clue when he started moaning_

_One look at him and I felt like roaming_

_His face should belong in a trashbin_

_His hair was so frizzy that it was a sin_

_He hurt Gabranth's feelings and Venat agreed, too_

_I don't mean to upset him_

_Oh wait! Yes I do!_

**_Gabranth:_**

_His beady little eyes turned him into a freak _

_He said he was a Hume but he could be a Seeq_

**_Larsa:_**

_When he transformed, looks were not in mind_

_His face could be confused for my behind_

**_Gabranth:_**

_He could have fell off Bhujerba and landed on his head_

_Or an airship could have landed on his face instead_

**_Larsa:_**

_There ain't no spells_

'_Cause he ain't ailed_

**_All three:_**

_He ugly!_

**_Nono:_**

_U. G. L. Y._

_Vayne ain't got no alibi! _

_He ugly! Ku! Po!_

_He ugly!_

Nono looked at the audience as he sang the chorus line again. They were beginning to get into it. Vaan and Penelo were even starting to dance.

**_Gabranth:_**

_What he needs to do is wear a mask_

_And find those Garif merchants fast – _(Lord)

**_Larsa:_**

_He's scary, he's hairy – I remember him_

_I'd put him in the dungeons where the light is dim_

**_Gabranth:_**

_He's out of proportion with rather big toes_

_If he wore yellow, people would shout "CHOCOBO!"_

**_Larsa:_**

(So funny!)

**_Gabranth:_**

_He's got eyes like a Bangaa and his nose is na-na!_

_And with hair like that, put him in a manga_

**_Larsa:_**

_Gran Kiltias Anastasis remember him?_

_I never knew that he had a twin_

**_Gabranth:_**

_He can't disguise his googly eyes_

_In the Ugly Pageant, he wins first prize_

**_Nono:_**

_Lord Larsa say he ugly!_ (kupo)

**_All three:_**

_He ugly!_

**_Nono:_**

_U. G. L. Y._

_Vayne ain't got no alibi! _

_He ugly! Ku! Po!_

_He ugly!_

When the moogle repeated the chorus line again, Larsa took the chance to look at the audience. Some people were even starting sing with them! Larsa smiled.

**_Larsa:_**

_Get busy!_

Nono smirked. With Larsa singing 'get busy,' it was now time to show off his dancing skills. The moogle took center stage and starting break dancing. The crowd cheered for Nono.

"Go Nono! Go Nono!" Vaan chanted.

Penelo ran over to Ashe and pulled her arm. "Come on, Ashe! Dance with us!"

Ashe resisted "Penelo, have you forgotten who I am?"

Penelo sighed. "Please Ashe! You may not have another chance. And this music is pretty catchy!"

"But it's so… tasteless."

"Ashe!"

Ashe looked into Penelo's pleading eyes and gave in. "Alright, fine. But only this once."

Penelo smiled, took Ashe into the center, and started dancing with her and Vaan.

"Wow, even Ashe is dancing," Basch said, astonished. "What is going on with these people?"

"Well, the music is rather fetching," Balthier reasoned. He turned to Fran. "Would you like to dance?"

Fran stared. And stared. And glared. But mostly stared.

"Oh come on Fran! We dance all the time in b-"

Before Balthier could finish his thought, Gabranth came in.

**_Gabranth:_**

_Lord Larsa say he ugly!_

**_Larsa:_**

_Get busy!_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Lord Larsa say he ugly!_

**_Larsa:_**

_Get busy!_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Lord Larsa say he ugly!_

**_Larsa:_**

_Get busy!_

**_All three:_**

_You ugly_

**_Larsa and Gabranth:_**

_U. U. U. U._

**_Nono:_**

_Kupo, now I feel like Vaan_

**_Nono:_**

_U. G. L. Y._

_Vayne ain't got no alibi! _

_He ugly! Ku! Po!_

_He ugly!_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Hamshanks _

**_Larsa:_**

_Hellhound breath_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Seeq head_

**_All three:_**

_Ugly!_

**_Larsa:_**

_Cockatrice legs_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Bangaa face_

**_Larsa:_**

_Chin like bomb_

**_All three:_**

_Ugly!_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Piranha lips_

**_Larsa:_**

_Gigantoad licker_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Cid lover_

**_All three:_**

_Ugly!_

**_Larsa:_**

_Yeti arms_

**_Gabranth:_**

_Flan butt_

**_All three:_**

_Malboro – ugly!_

_U. G. L. Y._

**_Venat:_**(appears)

_He could make an onion cry _

(disappears)

**_All three:_**

_U. G. L. Y._

**_Nono:_**

_Like a monster chased by Baralai _(kupo)

**_All three:_**

_U. G. L. Y._

_U. G. L. Y._

_U. G. L. Y._

_U. G. L. Y._

_U. G. L. Y. _

_U. G. L. Y. _

_U. G. L. Y. – He ain't got no alibi! He ugly!_

The people screamed with cheers and shouts of joy. Never before had the city been so loud and filled with excitement. Nono giggled. His plan had worked! The people of Rabanastre were happy!

"Well Nono, you did it!" Larsa congratulated the little moogle.

Gabranth nodded. "You're perhaps the most amazing living being in all of Ivalice."

"Please kupo!" Nono shook his head and grinned. "I'm simply a moogle."

* * *

There! I'm finally done! It's 1:08 a.m., but I finally have it out of my system! It's not my best, but I finally have it written! 

Alfador: Hooray!

Thanks for reading!


End file.
